


The Teapot Massacre

by xSoliloquy



Series: Duo's Intervention [1]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: All of the WTF's, Blackmail, Boredom is dangerous, Complete crack, Crack, Duo is crazy, Gen, Humor, Intervention, Liberal application of insanity, Not Canon Compliant, Teapots are abused, Wufei is traumatized, rubber ducky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-09
Updated: 2008-12-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:56:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2121024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSoliloquy/pseuds/xSoliloquy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is addicted to something. Throw in a bored Duo Maxwell who likes to play pranks, a few harmless explosives, liberal use of blackmail and Quatre's favorite teapot...</p><p>Wufei may never be the same.</p><p><b>Complete Crack!</b><br/>(A teapot <i>is</i> harmed in the making of this fic, but its family has been compensated for their loss. No rubber duckies were harmed.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Teapot Massacre

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in 2008, it's part of a series and the reason for it was to help me brush up on my humor writing skills. I only have two parts finished (out of five- one for each pilot) because I got involved with my Mind Over Matter HP fic and sorta drifted away from this series, but I'm likely to pick it back up sometime and add to the series. 
> 
> I'm working on moving all of my FFnet fic over to this site, so that's why it's being posted here.
> 
> This fic is complete and utter crack and is only meant for chuckles, it's not to be taken seriously at all. There is no pairing in this one (though my OTP is HeeroxDuo, so take it that way as preslash if you so choose.) The next part is 01x02 flavored. I hope everyone enjoys and gets a few cheap laughs. :P

Duo stared at the blonde Arabian sitting across from him at the kitchen table. To a casual observer it would seem that there was nothing wrong with this picture, simply two friends sitting down and enjoying a nice refreshment in the afternoon. To one braided American, however, there was a major issue to be dealt with immediately. One that would take all of his cunning and patience plus the aid of the other three Gundam pilots who were currently MIA.

What is this problem that Duo finds himself faced with, you may wonder? It was really quite obvious- Tea.

No, you didn't misread that. Duo has had an epiphany, that the blonde pilot that everyone knew and loved had an unhealthy addiction, and the violet-eyed pilot that got on everyone's nerves was determined to help him kick the habit.

The seemingly innocent cup was refilled once more by the unsuspecting Sandrock pilot, who went about his normal activities of sipping from said cup and reading the morning news paper, completely oblivious to the brunette schemer that was currently drawing up a plan of action.

The foreboding in the air nearly choked Wufei as he walked through the door to the home that all five pilots shared. Ignoring his gut feeling that something was very wrong, the Chinese man made his way to the kitchen. Similarly, a shiver went down his spine when he walked into said room and found it occupied by two silent people; Quatre, which wasn't a surprise since the blonde practically lived in this room, and Duo. It was the latter that had caused such a reaction in Wufei; after all, when have the words Silent and Duo ever been put into the same sentence without some measure of deviousness tacked to it?

Starting to feel increasingly uneasy, Wufei watched as Quatre politely excused himself from their presence and made his way up the stairs, presumably to his room, teacup in hand. It was then that the worst thing- to the Chinese pilot, at least- happened. Duo turned his complete attention on him.

* * *

Walking into the kitchen, Trowa and Heero paused in surprise to find Wufei sitting in a chair muttering darkly to himself and Duo standing near the stove with a look of concentration on his face. There was something amiss in this room, the two had no doubt.

"Don't know why I ever…. It was just _one_ time… who would've imagined?... _Stupid_ American and his _stupid_ ideas… _damn damn damn_ …." Was about all the two new arrivals were able to catch from the Chinese man's mumbling. His lack of coherency should've warned them of the looming danger of being in the kitchen for too long, but they either chose to ignore their suspicions or didn't feel the heavy air that spelled out their imminent doom.

"AHA!" The previously silent Duo shouted suddenly, causing Trowa and Heero to raise one eyebrow each in perfect unison as Wufei jumped and let out what sounded like a shriek before he reeled the sound back in. As Duo turned to say something to what was now his accomplice, he noticed the presence of the two other brunette pilots finally. With a large grin that looked not just a little bit scary, the braided pilot moved closer to the Heavyarms and Wing Zero pilots. "Where've you guys been? Wu and I have been waiting two hours for you two to show up! Doesn't matter anyway, now you're here, moving on- I've got a plan to help Q-man!"

"Help.. Quatre…?" Trowa asked slowly, confused, his frown deepening as he crossed his arms over his chest and started to feel uneasy.

"Help him with what?" Heero asked, knowing there was something very, very wrong going on here.

"Welll…" The pilot of Deathscythe began with a smirk before dropping the bomb on the two who now wished they had vacated the kitchen as soon as they'd arrived. They immediately felt sympathy for Wufei.

* * *

"This isn't even sane." Trowa muttered from his seat at the kitchen table, where everyone except Quatre was now gathered. The blonde hadn't shown up yet but was expected at any moment since it was nearly time to prepare dinner for the house, a chore the blonde had taken upon himself.

"When has the idiot ever done something that was?" Heero scoffed with a roll of his eye, ignoring the wounded glare that Duo shot at him. Wufei was still mumbling to himself and had yet to form a coherent sentence, but Duo wasn't the least bit worried about such small set backs. As long as he had the other two his plan would be fine.

"My mental fortitude is completely beside the point! Don't go ruining the plan just because you're ass kissers. We have a situation here," Duo continued despite the twin death glares that were zeroed in on him, "and we are the only ones who can help. It's our duty as friends and brothers in arms to see Q-man through this troubling time!"

"It's also our duty as friends to keep him as far away from your insanity as possible, but unfortunately a nutcase like you can't be contained for any real length of time." Heero said flatly and Duo sputtered in indignation. Trowa sighed in resignation, knowing there would be no getting past this situation safely. He turned his gaze to their still silent friend, noting with some degree of concern that he was now rocking back and forth slowly in his seat, staring at the wall as if it were the thing responsible for all of the world's problems that ever were.

"…What are you all doing sitting in here?" Quatre asked. Everyone immediately turned their gaze to the blonde, with the exception of the now catatonic Wufei. Duo sighed dramatically and stood, throwing an arm over their recently arrived partner's shoulders with a very serious concerned expression on his face.

"Quatre… this is…" The brunette spoke in a gentle tone that seemed to be aiming for soothing, and paused for effect. "an intervention."

"A… what?" The surprise in Quatre's tone didn't even begin to cover how the blonde was currently feeling. He'd never in his life touched drugs or alcohol, nor anything else that could call for something so serious. What was going on?

"We- Heero, Trowa, Wufei and I- have decided that we can no longer suffer the situation at hand in silence. We've decided that something must be done about your unhealthy addiction!"

"Trowa?" Quatre asked timidly, a bit frightened of the braided pilot. The Heavyarms pilot looked back at him apologetically. He, just like the other two currently seated at the table, couldn't do anything to stop this from happening. They were all being…  _blackmailed_.

"Hn. The idiot," Heero paused when Duo looked at him threateningly, seeming to consider if it was worth it or not to dissent, " _and I_ , believe you have an addiction to tea."

Quatre froze. Not sure whether to be amused or annoyed, he settled for the former and treated the situation as the joke it had to be with a nervous chuckle. The arm that was around his neck slipped off and Duo made his way to the stove, pointing at the teapot.

"Don't worry Q-man, you shall never again suffer from its evil clutches!" The braided pilot said with finality, glaring at said object.

"Duo, it's a teapot." The Sandrock pilot said rationally, "Tea is not particularly unhealthy, nor is it really addictive, what has gotten into you?"

"You're delusional from its lies!" Duo accused, swiveling his finger around to jab it in Quatre's direction. "NO MORE! It will receive the Shinigami's full wrath for what it has done to you! NO ONE messes with MY friends and gets away with it!"

Wufei started laughing hysterically, Trowa suddenly took action and dove toward Quatre to shield him from the danger, while Heero simply sat and stared irritably at his mentally unstable partner. Then the shit hit the fan when Duo pressed the button on the remote device hidden inside his pocket. The teapot exploded.

Quatre screamed, Wufei flew backwards in his chair and smacked into the floor, Duo was flung into the wall behind him, Trowa received a bloody lip from hitting the linoleum in his dive, and Heero sighed as shards of ceramic flew past his face. Cold tea that had been left inside the pot to steep by Quatre flew everywhere and sprayed everyone.

Duo stood and dusted himself off, Wufei regained his marbles and glared heatedly at the American idiot, Trowa and Quatre peeled themselves off of the floor and Heero slowly wiped the cold liquid off of his face with one hand.

Standing up, the Japanese man stalked toward his braided partner who pressed himself back against the wall he had been leaning on, looking as if he would very much like the floor to open up and swallow him now.

"Are you finished displaying your immaturity now?" The Wing Zero pilot asked with a deadly calm tone of voice. When Duo managed to squeak out a weak 'yes' he continued, "Then I want you to clean every drop of tea from this kitchen, including the ceiling. The four of us are going out to eat while you're doing so and it had better be done before we return, do you copy that?"

Duo bit his lip to hold back the protest waiting to be released and nodded mutely.

"Good." The four wet and angry pilots began to exit the kitchen when Duo suddenly decided he didn't want to be subjected to starvation without some sort of retaliation. This, therefore, was not good for his three blackmailed accomplices.

"Hey Wufei!" Said person froze mid-step and warily turned his head to look at the offender of his dignity. "Don't worry about the picture of you and Zechs together at the _DRAG_ party, I'll burn it after I'm done cleaning and no one will be the wiser."

Wufei promptly fainted while the other three stared at him in amusement, then turned their collective attentions to Duo who apparently was yet to be finished with his evilness.

"And Heero, I'm saving the tape of you singing _'Holding Out For A Hero'_ for future blackmail purposes, so be very afraid."

Heero's cheeks tinged very slightly pink when the blonde and green-eyed pilots turned startled and highly amused gazes on him. A minute passed before the three turned their attention to Duo once more.

"Well? Aren't you going to tell us what Trowa was being blackmailed with?" Quatre asked in interest, glancing at said person who looked a bit frightened.

"Oh, that." Duo scratched the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle. "I never actually had anything on him, just made him think I did."

"You mean to tell me you didn't find the picture I lost of me and my rubber duck?" Trowa asked in a emotionless tone before what he'd said hit him. Freezing, a look of horrified shame settled over his features as his two sane companions turned to him with shock.

Duo began laughing his ass off while the other two pilots started questioning the ducky-owner.

"At least one good thing came from this intervention- I got emotion out of Trowa and forced him to admit he plays with a rubber ducky." The Deathscythe pilot muttered between laughs. Trowa turned crimson and promptly left the room, the other two tagging along behind him with chuckles.

 


End file.
